Everything has prepared for me for point...

Kinda deep huh?
That is what popped in my head when thinking about what 2012 has in store for me and the past few years. The last few years has been nothing more then a crazy roller coaster filled with extreme highs and lows.....also filled with screams, tears, laughter, and vomit like any really good roller coaster.

I guess it all started in 2007 when I really believed I had my whole life planned out. I had put many hours into perfectly putting all the pieces into their perfect compartments, and I was determined to make sure it kept on track! Then I guess John Lennon said it best, "Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans." May 24th 2007 as Chad, Alexander, & I were eating at Applebees which use to be one of my favorite restaurants and I haven't been back since and never plan to ever again. They aren't even that good I just loved it.I left my phone in the car which was something I NEVER do it just slipped my mind. We finished our dinner & got in the car and I had a bunch of missed calls from my Mom. That night my only sister was killed in a car accident a month after her 15th birthday. It was the turning pointing in my life. When things no longer were black & white but just a lot of gray.

The next few years were filled with changes and keeping it together. I highly recommend having a a mental breakdown early on after something tragic happen. If you keep it all in it WILL be worse. This time we were lucky enough to welcome our 2nd son Maxwell into the world. Who I have joked is the most expensive thing in the room....you may think this is funny if you ever have gone through fertility treatments :) I choke up when I say this but we only have him because Salenia was killed. We were happy with just having 1 amazing kid, but it was that horrible event that made us realize how much we wanted 1 more. My prorites changed and I grew in ways I didn't know was possible. I started to become a person I really loved and one that I would of never thought was even possible.

It 2010 that things started to really come together. It was almost like 2007 came and slapped me right in the face and said, "HAHAHA Stop smiling it's not going to help!" This was the year I just let down my wall and accepted what reality was. After continuation and coninutation the sentencing for the person who was driving the car that killed my sister it finally happen. That day I lost pretty much all belief in the justice system. I always really believed if you did something wrong you got punished. Unfortentually that just isn't true, but then again vehicular homicide sentences most of the time are very light. Going through that process as was completely revictimzing & I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy. Writing a victims impact statement and reading it was more traumatic then seeing my sister in a body bag after a autopsy & not completely cleaned up. I know that may sound like I am being overly dramatic but I am not. It was then I realized I was going to live differently. That there was not going to be anymore negativity in my life. Now of course this wasn't instant and I DID have a mini breakdown after the sentencing. It was like all the stressed and emotions I had bottled up flooded out.

2011 was a year of so much growth, love, and finding myself it was overwhelming at times. Everything I had been working so hard at acheiving started to really show. This year I lost a lot of people in my life and some I would of never imagined of. I also had some come into my life in such a strong amazing force that was almost more unbelievable then the people that I lost, and for that I will be forever grateful.

• I learned to love more deeply then I ever imagine I could of and in ways I never imagine I could. 
• I committed to be the best parent, partner, and friend I could possible be.
• I accepted that for a couple weeks between April-May it may be always hard for me. That I will take back control and celebrate and not let it control me. This last year I tried to work through my emotions with a fake smile & it's not worth it. Pain can be a good thing. 
• I always said if I could see what Chad sees in me when I look in the mirror I would be OK and this year I started to see that. 
• I started to really <3 running
• I choose to be positive and happy. That negativity was many of the times was nothing more then a choice. 
• I realized how much I really loved myself and life. 

Probably the biggest thing was how I approached life and people I had in it. One big change I made in my life was a few years ago I decided that if you didn't make a positive impact in my life there was no reason to take the energy needed to have a relationship with you. For a good part of my life that was switched around I tried to think of how I could benefit someones else life. Which is fine but needs to be a even exchange. I always believed if you are going to have someone in your life even if that was in a very small part you should give as much as you can or it isn't worth it. There is people who think I over invest myself in people in my life. I disagree and am glad to say that hasn't changed. I am lucky to have deeply passionate relationships with people I truly care about & love. I just finally found balance with that. For the 1st time in my life I held back telling someone I loved them. I didn't understand why I did this at first. I have never had a problem telling people I love them when I do. It is not something I just throw around and never have had a issue telling someone this. When it comes to my emotions I tend to be a pretty open book. It took me awhile to figure it out why this was. I finally realized it wasn't because I didn't love them but that I couldn't handle not hearing it back. I look at the friendships I have and I smile because I know those I have are amazing.  I may come off harsh when I say this but I don't miss the people who aren't in my life anymore. I of course miss their friendships at time but I people grow and change. If anything I rarely think about them. Which makes me think maybe they weren't that important. I have to think that somethings happen for a reason and sometimes friendships end. There is only one I really miss & still don't really understand. I think of her a lot and at times wonder why. I think the difference with that situation is I always thought I would have her in my life. If you would of asked me a few months ago this I don't think I would of imagined it. I took pride out of that equation and just realized if someone wants to talk to you they will. Because I am painfully positive at times I have to be forever grateful for the friends I have that I consider really close too. Then of course my best friend in the whole world who thinks my faults are beautiful Chad <3

This year was really good even with what happen in September. When it comes to some to some things I am pretty private person. In September I started to experience some health issues. It was almost unreal in many ways because I felt so great. My diet and exercise was really good. In fact I might of felt better then I ever have. I started to invert in as I do sometimes in stressful situations pretty much I just invert in my home with my hubby & boys. After making and canceling several appointments and then cowarded and made a phone appointment. Which then my doctor who I am very close too told me I needed to get in immediately. I choose to not divulge many details with people....I just couldn't. I was very scared and not only am I private when it comes to health issues I didn't want to worry others. I gave some details but held most of them back. It took until December to really get some answers vs speculations. At the end of the day it comes down to this....
That I am beyond blessed to not only have amazing insurance but a doctor that listens & knows me. That doesn't brush off my concerns as trivial. That just because I don't fit into the right age group she will order tests & procedures. But mostly that she is not just my doctor but my advocate. I saw this earlier this year when she didn't hesitate and sent me to Dermatologist for a biopsy. This time was more serious and she yet again showed how great she is.

I look forward to this next year....if anything I am extremely excited for it! Not in the sense that I am hoping for a new beginning with the new year but because I am so excited to watch this continue. I feel like all these years and even more so 2011 have prepared me so much for the future. I am so happy with who I am as a whole. It feels really awesome to be able to say I really like and love who I am. To be able to not see my faults not road blocks but just small hurdles that make things at times more interesting :)