Everything has prepared for me for point...

Kinda deep huh?
That is what popped in my head when thinking about what 2012 has in store for me and the past few years. The last few years has been nothing more then a crazy roller coaster filled with extreme highs and lows.....also filled with screams, tears, laughter, and vomit like any really good roller coaster.

I guess it all started in 2007 when I really believed I had my whole life planned out. I had put many hours into perfectly putting all the pieces into their perfect compartments, and I was determined to make sure it kept on track! Then I guess John Lennon said it best, "Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans." May 24th 2007 as Chad, Alexander, & I were eating at Applebees which use to be one of my favorite restaurants and I haven't been back since and never plan to ever again. They aren't even that good I just loved it.I left my phone in the car which was something I NEVER do it just slipped my mind. We finished our dinner & got in the car and I had a bunch of missed calls from my Mom. That night my only sister was killed in a car accident a month after her 15th birthday. It was the turning pointing in my life. When things no longer were black & white but just a lot of gray.

The next few years were filled with changes and keeping it together. I highly recommend having a a mental breakdown early on after something tragic happen. If you keep it all in it WILL be worse. This time we were lucky enough to welcome our 2nd son Maxwell into the world. Who I have joked is the most expensive thing in the room....you may think this is funny if you ever have gone through fertility treatments :) I choke up when I say this but we only have him because Salenia was killed. We were happy with just having 1 amazing kid, but it was that horrible event that made us realize how much we wanted 1 more. My prorites changed and I grew in ways I didn't know was possible. I started to become a person I really loved and one that I would of never thought was even possible.

It 2010 that things started to really come together. It was almost like 2007 came and slapped me right in the face and said, "HAHAHA Stop smiling it's not going to help!" This was the year I just let down my wall and accepted what reality was. After continuation and coninutation the sentencing for the person who was driving the car that killed my sister it finally happen. That day I lost pretty much all belief in the justice system. I always really believed if you did something wrong you got punished. Unfortentually that just isn't true, but then again vehicular homicide sentences most of the time are very light. Going through that process as was completely revictimzing & I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy. Writing a victims impact statement and reading it was more traumatic then seeing my sister in a body bag after a autopsy & not completely cleaned up. I know that may sound like I am being overly dramatic but I am not. It was then I realized I was going to live differently. That there was not going to be anymore negativity in my life. Now of course this wasn't instant and I DID have a mini breakdown after the sentencing. It was like all the stressed and emotions I had bottled up flooded out.

2011 was a year of so much growth, love, and finding myself it was overwhelming at times. Everything I had been working so hard at acheiving started to really show. This year I lost a lot of people in my life and some I would of never imagined of. I also had some come into my life in such a strong amazing force that was almost more unbelievable then the people that I lost, and for that I will be forever grateful.

• I learned to love more deeply then I ever imagine I could of and in ways I never imagine I could. 
• I committed to be the best parent, partner, and friend I could possible be.
• I accepted that for a couple weeks between April-May it may be always hard for me. That I will take back control and celebrate and not let it control me. This last year I tried to work through my emotions with a fake smile & it's not worth it. Pain can be a good thing. 
• I always said if I could see what Chad sees in me when I look in the mirror I would be OK and this year I started to see that. 
• I started to really <3 running
• I choose to be positive and happy. That negativity was many of the times was nothing more then a choice. 
• I realized how much I really loved myself and life. 

Probably the biggest thing was how I approached life and people I had in it. One big change I made in my life was a few years ago I decided that if you didn't make a positive impact in my life there was no reason to take the energy needed to have a relationship with you. For a good part of my life that was switched around I tried to think of how I could benefit someones else life. Which is fine but needs to be a even exchange. I always believed if you are going to have someone in your life even if that was in a very small part you should give as much as you can or it isn't worth it. There is people who think I over invest myself in people in my life. I disagree and am glad to say that hasn't changed. I am lucky to have deeply passionate relationships with people I truly care about & love. I just finally found balance with that. For the 1st time in my life I held back telling someone I loved them. I didn't understand why I did this at first. I have never had a problem telling people I love them when I do. It is not something I just throw around and never have had a issue telling someone this. When it comes to my emotions I tend to be a pretty open book. It took me awhile to figure it out why this was. I finally realized it wasn't because I didn't love them but that I couldn't handle not hearing it back. I look at the friendships I have and I smile because I know those I have are amazing.  I may come off harsh when I say this but I don't miss the people who aren't in my life anymore. I of course miss their friendships at time but I people grow and change. If anything I rarely think about them. Which makes me think maybe they weren't that important. I have to think that somethings happen for a reason and sometimes friendships end. There is only one I really miss & still don't really understand. I think of her a lot and at times wonder why. I think the difference with that situation is I always thought I would have her in my life. If you would of asked me a few months ago this I don't think I would of imagined it. I took pride out of that equation and just realized if someone wants to talk to you they will. Because I am painfully positive at times I have to be forever grateful for the friends I have that I consider really close too. Then of course my best friend in the whole world who thinks my faults are beautiful Chad <3

This year was really good even with what happen in September. When it comes to some to some things I am pretty private person. In September I started to experience some health issues. It was almost unreal in many ways because I felt so great. My diet and exercise was really good. In fact I might of felt better then I ever have. I started to invert in as I do sometimes in stressful situations pretty much I just invert in my home with my hubby & boys. After making and canceling several appointments and then cowarded and made a phone appointment. Which then my doctor who I am very close too told me I needed to get in immediately. I choose to not divulge many details with people....I just couldn't. I was very scared and not only am I private when it comes to health issues I didn't want to worry others. I gave some details but held most of them back. It took until December to really get some answers vs speculations. At the end of the day it comes down to this....
That I am beyond blessed to not only have amazing insurance but a doctor that listens & knows me. That doesn't brush off my concerns as trivial. That just because I don't fit into the right age group she will order tests & procedures. But mostly that she is not just my doctor but my advocate. I saw this earlier this year when she didn't hesitate and sent me to Dermatologist for a biopsy. This time was more serious and she yet again showed how great she is.

I look forward to this next year....if anything I am extremely excited for it! Not in the sense that I am hoping for a new beginning with the new year but because I am so excited to watch this continue. I feel like all these years and even more so 2011 have prepared me so much for the future. I am so happy with who I am as a whole. It feels really awesome to be able to say I really like and love who I am. To be able to not see my faults not road blocks but just small hurdles that make things at times more interesting :) 

My *new* Brooks Adrenaline GTS 12

This may be the beginning of a beautiful relationship( for 300-400 miles)...

Today I went down to Boulder Running Company & got myself a new pair of running shoes to ring in the New Year. I got Brooks Adrenaline GTS 12 and I am super excited! These will be my 1st pair of Brooks and even though the only running I have done was on the treadmill for the gate analysis which I highly recommend if you are a runner or even plan on starting to get. They are free at most running stores and are worth their weight in gold. Also for those who worry about specialty running stores being more $$$ I promise you that is just not true.    Also returns are never a problem. If you aren't happy after several runs they wont hassle you & find you something that does work. Tomorrow I am going to bring them out for the 1st time on the same trail I ran on Christmas day <3

30 days of being vegan

*I guess I should say a couple of things before I post this entry. I believe being a vegan is if anything a lifestyle. Because of that I tread very lightly calling myself a vegan some would disagree with me. I guess for myself I see it as I  follow a vegan diet or as I call it sometimes a strict vegetarian diet. Which is a lot different from what I was doing as a ovo-lacto vegetarian* 

The last few months things started to build up when it came to my dietary habits. This also included even going back to being a meat eater for a short time. Which was a hot-mess of a disaster I will talk about that later on. I ultimately hit the wall or rock bottom depending on which way you like to think of it. I guess sometimes you have to do that to see what you really need to do!

Mid October I decided I was done with all this bullsh*t!! This epiphany hit me as I stood at the kitchen counter cutting up meat and doing what is very normal for me.....throwing half of it away. WHY? Well that is very easy to answer. Meat freaks me out and always has. With that said Chad & the boys are NOT vegetarian or vegan. I also don't believe I have the right to force someone to choose the same diet as myself even if that is what I think is best. I also pride myself being a pretty darn good cook and over the last 8 years I have really focused on being as good as I can!  Now when I am cooking these meals for my family I tend to over analyze what I am cooking. I almost always think the meat is not good or has too much fat on it or something else wrong with it. This also means I tend to throw away a good amount of the meat we buy by dissecting it. Now I will say one of my biggest things is if you are going to eat meat you need to eat the best quality you can....grass feed, none hormonal, cage free meat. To me its all flesh but if my loved ones are going to eat it we buy the best we can. Even though I knew it was good flesh it still grossed me out. This meal also included the use of eggs.

As I was cooking I let myself do something I never do or try very hard to not. I started to really think about what I was cooking. Now I don't do this very often because for myself I am not going to stop cooking for my family. I do incorporate a lot of vegetarian style meals. Which always go over very well. This may surprise many but meat does freak me out but no where near as much as eggs & milk. Eggs & milk are in many vegetarian recipes.

After that meal I decided something. If these things are grossing me out so much to the point of making me almost physically ill why am I eating them? It was then I decided I needed a change. I was going to go VEGAN!!!

Now I was scared at first like many I didn't know what I was going to eat. Even though I had been a vegetarian I was still somewhat scared. So I decided I was going to read the controversial, blunt, straight forward, laughable, but very helpful book "Skinny Bitch" Now I will say this book is a super easy read it took me a couple of hours. There are things I don't fully agree with them with but one thing that I do is that being a vegan is not as hard as many think it is just about getting of your ass and deciding to do it!! It helped motivate me and put many of my fears to rest. I decided November 1st was going to be start a new beginning. If only I knew how amazing it would be. 


Now the 1st week was probably the most eye opening but also shocking of them all

• No way of putting it any other way. Grocery shopping took a lot longer. Now this is something I think probably gets better as you get familiar with things. Oh course the fruits & vegetables are safe, but many other things you would ASSume a lot of things were safe and not. This list saved me Accidentally Vegan. Realistically there is A LOT of vegan food that is not healthy Oreos, Lays, and Pop are vegan ;) But there is nothing wrong with having them once in awhile....other then the pop is not good for you! and this comes from someone who had a long long affair with Coke Cola.  
• I wasn't eating enough. Funny how going vegan made me eat MORE.

My body went into shock. A GOOD shock I have a had a serious dependency to coffee. To an very unnatural level. I could easily throw down 2 pots a day. I love(d) the taste but I wont pee on my leg and tell myself it's raining. I drank all that coffee because I needed it. My body was always tired. I always felt like I was somewhat running on empty and coffee with a able to give that extra kick to push me over the edge. I decided I was also going to stop that November 1st. I switched to tea. This mainly happened because I like some coffee with my cream. I liked to fill my my cup almost 1/2 way with powered creamer my personal fav and the rest with coffee. I couldn't have that being vegan ;) By the end of the week it wasn't a big deal. WHY?

• I had a HUGE jump in energy. To the point I was Freaked the F' out! No I am not kidding. I didn't have coffee and I couldn't figure out what was going on. I thought it was all in my head....it wasn't. I had read about people going vegan and it happening, but didn't realize it was so big. 
• I was falling asleep fast and waking up almost jumping out of bed. I wasn't needing that mid day 2PM nap. 
• By week 3 my exercise started to transform. I was running faster and lifting more. I had to actually stop myself because It knew I was going to over do it and hurt myself. 
• My skin was Ah-mazing! Now most people think well yeah it already was. Well here was my little secret. I use prescription ance meds if I didn't my skin breaks out horrible and I get black heads all over my face. I never really broke out as a teen. It wasn't until I was an adult it started. Awhile ago I started using  2 creams daily. 1 of those being Micro Rentin-A a very strong med. It worked wonders but every night as I applied it I got a little freaked out. It was accidental I stopped using all the acne meds I was really busy and didn't pick up my refill. Around week 2 I noticed how good my skin looked and didn't pick it up. It actually looks better then it ever have!
• Now this one I am still having a hard time grasping!! I work out 6-7x a week for usually 1 1/2-2 hrs. I don't play around I really work out and by the time I am done I am a big sweaty mess. I smell like a high school boys gym locker room. I wish I was joking but I am not I stink!! I read an article awhile ago back about what your sweat is suppose to taste like in Runners World. Pretty much it isn't suppose to taste like anything. mine was very salty....a horse would of used me for a salt brick. It was around the end of week 2 during a 7 mile run I noticed something. I didn't smell O_O also my sweat didn't taste like anything. Now I was still sweating the same, but I didn't have any type of smell what so ever. Oh and this wasn't just when I was working out either. I always wear deodorant and usually some yummy smelly lotions. After I noticed I didn't have any odor when I was working out I did an experiment and after showering didn't apply deodorant. It was somewhat shocking that I didn't need it. It actually if anything really freaked me out and made me realize that obviously putting healthy stuff in your body makes your body work better. I will say I haven't stopped using deodorant mainly because it is routine for me. But I will say I don't have any type of odor at all when working out. It is just too much of a routine for me too stop :-P

There is a lot of other things that happen. My mind was sharper, I felt better, had more energy, and many other things I will cover at later times. But there is one thing I get asked the most about when it comes to going vegan DID YOU LOOSE WEIGHT??? Now I will say I didn't decide to go vegan to loose weight. I also didn't decide to do it because of my love for animals. wait that didn't sound right. I do love animals but I did it because my doesn't body perform well when I eat them. I don't feel right doing and for me it just isn't worth it. 

• Yes, I lost a lot of weight. Funny thing is I was eating more then I probably ever have. I didn't count one calorie or carb. I didn't worry because I knew what I was putting in my body was good and was plant based and that in it self didn't make me  freak out. 
• The drastic weight lost at first actually freaked me out. Because again I didn't do this too lose weight. It was also an eye opener about how many bad dairy was for you! 
• This was the BEST part my body got defined in a month. No, I am not kidding. I have been working out for a long time and it was going vegan that I started really seeing definition in my body. 
• My body fat dropped. I am somewhat obsessed with working out and a low body fat means way more to me then a low number on the scale. This was a huge thing for me! I actually got my body fat professionally measured before I started and again towards the end of the month. 
• Like I said before my workouts got better. I am training for my 1st marathon too. This month I also ran my fastest 5k. 

Now I think I made this 1st month with being probably 90% vegan. I did have a few slips up. I am pretty sure there was mayo on my veggie sandwich despite saying no. I didn't send my bean burrito back that had cheese on it my server was looking like she was having a pretty hard day already. I slipped up and had sour cream 2 oh tofutti sour cream is just as good as regular I promise! Now this was also good to happen because the times I did have the dairy I got SICK my body broke down. I got tried and and felt bloated. Which as a vegetarian would piss me off when I got bloated. Well it wasn't or veggies or fruits it was the damn dairy and sugars. Nothing is wrong with sugar its all the processed crap that is bad. Sorry to break  your heart but its a fact. Do it is moderation and make it a treat. I also noticed I really leaned to TASTE food! It's kind of hard to explain and I will save that for another post but this has been the biggest reward of all doing this <3